Starting up

I've always thought about writing down my thoughts and ramblings, and I have in small bursts here and there. But these are never maintained for long and often the desire to journal/write/blog disappears as time passes. 

Part of my issue is that I only want to write what is going on when I'm feeling down or something bad happens. Another issue is not having the time and space to write regularly. Another is simple procrastination and lack of focus.

This post was inspired by the realization that my PhD feels like it's falling apart. I haven't been as consistent or hardworking as I should have been to get things done. Two kids suck time and energy out of you. Not being able to stick up for myself is another issue as I bend over backwards to help others but won't ask for help myself; even when I desperately need it. For example, I don't feel able to say "I need time to work now" to my partner. This has lead to an expectation (I feel) that I should be available to help out whenever there is a need. I need to start saying 'no', establish boundaries, and not feel guilty that I'm doing something that benefits me and my work. 

But back to the issue at hand! Everything needs to be revised and adjusted now in corona-times. Recruiting is difficult in normal times, but now it's just not possible. Three major studies that I wanted to conduct are no longer possible simply because I won't be able to get enough people for the data collection. This sucks, but I have a good promotor and co-promotor who have been patient with me up until now.

I feel very responsible for this development, like my procrastination resulted in delays which pushed me into this predicament. "If only I'd been more focused last year...", "If I had been better about staying in touch...", "I haven't been good at establishing or maintaining my network", all of the hindsight corrections that I wish I could have made. 

Part of this results from my tendency to push difficult (or all) tasks out of the priority list (see: starting this blog). Part of this is being scared of criticism over my work. Part of this is social anxiety. All of this adds up to problems which just make me feel worse. That's also why I reached out to the psychologist. 

A month or two ago I reached out to the university PhD psychologist to discuss the issues related to my PhD which I'm experiencing. Even in conversations with her I don't always feel free to say what is really bothering me. I kind of get the feeling that she wants to stick to the PhD specific aspects and stay away from the non-PhD stuff even if it's all related. It's helping though to talk with a neutral party though. 

Well, this whole post has been basically a distraction from the work that I need to do. So now I'm going to get started on my actual work!